Being in love with a guys that doesnt love me back and having a backstabing best friend.. My Side

20 days till he leaves ugh im so sad that i cant tell him i still love him and not in the way he thinks.. I cant tell him because he isnt aloud to date or have a gf wile on his mission..plus well he is dating my best friend, well she was my best friend till about june last year.. she hasnt tlked to me since then and it is killing me inside.. (Im not the kind of person to forget friendships, heck i still wonder how my best friends from preschool are doing and wish there were some way i could contact them if they even still remember me..) Oh and did i say she is only 15!! He is 19 for crying out loud!! Sure im not much older then her but well it just doesnt sound as bad me turning 17 and him barly being 19. It just hurts me to know i might not be able to get him back. But i also am glad he is happy and really thats all i want from him is to know he is happy. Not to mention im having some friend trubbles..

I dont in anyway think that astrology has anything to do with why my day is crapy and my emotoind are high but this is my horoscope for today and well its kinda good advice to any one when you feel upset or mad, which i am both.. "Don't take it personally -- okay, if you must then at least don't say the first thing that pops into your head. Your emotions are valid, but letting them spew might land you in some very avoidable hot water."

 So my life is just not going good right now when it comes to love and friendship but hopefuly this weekend away with some of my friends will help me get things back on track.. I'll update you when i get home or something else crazy happens.. lets hope for both!! :) love, me <3

from first kiss to first major heart break.. this is my side of the whole thing

Hey as you read this you might wonder how i was with so many guys.. The answer is simple it was all on again off again and i kept bowncing between NC, GT, and JJ..
     Ok so just after my 15th birthday i got my first kiss!!! It was so sweet and perfect.. i loved it! For this lets just call him DL. He is my best friends cousin. How it all happened was me and my friend were visiting her aunt and hanging out with her supper cute cousin that is just a little bit older then me our last night there just "the big kids" spent the night outside on the tramp it was beautiful and very stary for in the middle of a big city. My friend Bentie had fallen asleep already dispite mine and DLs atempts at filling her with blue mt dew ;) (Yummy stuff and because of this night my favorite soft drink). So DL and i just layed there under the stars talking there was a tun of shooting stars that night and all i could think to wish was let him be my first kiss PLEASE! I dont really remember how it happened but i remember him leaning in and kissing me once very softly then he hugged me close to him for a moment as we looked up to see a shooting star zoom past. A little wile went by and we talked a bit more, he kissed me again and this time i knew what to do.. I kissed him back and not very softly i might add.. It only lasted maybe 7 secents but it seemed like hours before we broke away and looked at eachother he made a joke about me being a fast learner and then kissed my forehead. Our relationship didnt last long and then it wasnt long before i had fallen again!
     NC aka "smiths guy" was the next guy i fell for.. Cute face nice body lots of mussles YUMMY!! And did i mention 3years older then myself?? Ya super cool right?? Well it didnt last long the first time around.. Or the second or the third and even though i really liked him and all ya he just isnt right fot me.. Theres not much more to it then that.. New years eve 2010 i met a guy yet again! Named GT and gosh he is a looker!! I met him at a church dance and after one song was melting at his feet. Now please note this guy is super atractive, but atractive guys always have there faults.. his? well his was he didnt know when to stop.. he took me on my first date and well we kinda ended up making out on a fourwheeler.. Not the smartest thing to do on a first date note here i had known him for 6months and talked alot over the phone. I love his family they are so great! I do miss what i could have had with him but i broke his heart because my mom and stepdad told me i couldnt date him or have any contact with him till after i was out of there house.. i had to let him go so we could both move on.. Life goes on and we meet new people.. Next came JJ, can you guess by jj that he turned out to be gay gay?? Yuiop he sure did! Lead me on for 6months strait! I was ready to run away and marry that crapy guy because i loved him.. He broke my heart though and i turned to the only person in the world that i knew wouldnt judge me, that wouldnt say i told you so or laugh at me.. DM he is to this day my best friend in the whole world i dont know what ill ever do with out him. But even our friendship is forbiden.. When i turned to him i started to fall in love with him and not like i ever had before.. I loved him so much. He fell for me too.. We made plans to date while i finnished highschool then get married after i turned 19 start a family at age 20. It was a perfect plan and probably would have happened had my sister not found out.. He is 2 and 1/2 years older then me and my family didnt like that i wasnt 16yet and he was 18.. I was told never to talk to him again. But i couldnt listen to them this time.. He was my life line the only thing holding me together.. I had lost my faith in church to some extent and didnt know how to move on with out him.. We couldnt meet in person, we had to talk over the phone and it had to be a secret. the secret took its tole however and he couldnt handle it.. So now we are just friends i still love him to peices but he thinks of me as a sister now.. I dont have the time to change his mind.. He leaves to go on a mission for the church we belong to in less then 23 days.. I wont be able to call him or vent to him the only contact we will have is a weekly email for the next two years.. So there you have it. From first kiss to first major heart break from DL to DM. My first major heart break is letting him go doing what i know he needs me to do and not what i want to do.. Maybe when he gets back home we can try again.. When im out of high school.. Things will be different. I'll have my chance. I'll find my prince charming and i wont ever have to let him go. But for now my love life is a roller coster.. (did i mention i hate those creepy things with a passion?? yuiop i sure do and i refuse to ride them!) well till next time!

Life.. or at least my side of it...

     The definition of life: a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.

     The definition of love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Put those together and you get the definition of complicated. In my life at least that has proven to be the case, everything goes great in life everythings easy, and then i fall in love. Now wether its just the little bit of puppy love that i fall for much to often or the really deep true love ive only felt once so far in my life time of 16 and 1/2 years its all the same. When i was three my mommy and daddy asked me what is love? My responce was quick and simple. I told them, "Love is something you fall into and go awhhhhhhh!!!" They laughed and still tell that story sometimes when im not around im sure. You see i made a mistake when i was 3 that i picked up on just after my 14th birthday when you fall in love you dont say awhhhhh what you really say is AHHHHHHH!!! so after 2 and 1/2 years of dealing with this pain in the butt thing we call love i have desided to stare this blog My Side. i'll tell you everything there is to know about love and life as a teen age girl and maybe it will help you see my side of this endless story!